Observations of a Misfit: You're Never Too Old to Learn

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September 27, 2007

You're Never Too Old to Learn

My latest kick for the past several months has been reading “relationship” books; some popular and familiar ones like He’s Just Not That Into You and Why Men Marry Bitches, along with more obscure eBooks and dating sites. Those of you who were tired of my 9/11 obsession may be relieved at this development.

For the readers familiar with my romantic history, that reads like a Russian novel, you know that I have chosen poorly in the past and paid some rather serious consequences. Obviously, my instincts were skewed by unfinished business or various shades of denial; thus, I was determined to learn all I could about what makes men tick, how they think, and what women can do to create a great romance despite the cultural and psychological impediments to healthy relationships. I am happy to report that I learned a lot from all the books and feel as though I finally have a handle on this thing called love.

Perhaps I still have a broken compass, but at least I can see the handwriting on the wall a bit sooner and adjust my modus operandi or recognize the problems before they become insurmountable. Perhaps I can seek to understand the male point of view instead of always focusing on my needs, feelings and opinions. It’s a challenge, but it’s all part of the learning curve. Some of what I’ve learned about myself has been painful, albeit very, very useful. It is in romantic relationships that the best of us and worst of us emerges.

When I read some of the reviews on Amazon of He’s Just Not That Into You, I was not impressed with the flavor of the book as described. However, I decided to read it anyway and was thoroughly amused by it. I laughed, I nodded my head in agreement, I enjoyed the male writer (Greg) of the duo who wrote it, and while it seemed to be stating the obvious (such as, if a guy doesn’t call you, hello, he’s not interested in you), it provided an interesting window into the young male mind. This book is written for a younger audience, women in their 20s and 30s, but it had relevant advice for, errr… more mature gals, too.

Why Men Marry Bitches is definitely written for the woman who wants to secure a commitment from her boyfriend. Since I’m a Platinum Card Carrying Commitment-Phobe, I skimmed over the strategies concerning how to get your man to propose; however, there is excellent advice about self-esteem, training your partner how to treat you, building your life apart from your relationship, and loving who you are regardless of whether or not your relationship is “fulfilling.” I believe most women, present company included, are taught to rely too much on other people’s approval to feel good about who we are. This is bunk, of course. We must love ourselves first and foremost, and then we can safely love others without the codependent calamities of existential expectations.

Posted by lorelei on September 27, 2007 03:37 PM | Permalink

Comments

I think we have to learn to get along with ourselves before we can get along with anyone else. We need to find fulfillment in our own lives, and not depend on others for that.

Posted by: vero | September 27, 2007 07:59 PM

Vero, I couldn't agree more.

I'm so tired of hearing the phrase, "He completes me". Arrrrgh.

Posted by: Nadine | September 27, 2007 08:24 PM

Morning, Misfits.

These are excellent books for my daughter. She hasn't learned the first rule of "Don't call him" (well, it's the first rule in my book). No matter how much you think he adored you.

Because if you call him, and he doesn't call back, like, immediately. The brain starts with the "thought-aerobics". He's lost his phone...he's ignoring me...how dare he...I'm going to call him, again, to find out why he didn't return my call...what's wrong with me, he's not that hot.

The self-torture, the anguish, the embarrassment, the indignation, etc.

Oh, gawd, buy a gun!

Thank the heavens I don't have to worry about this stuff, anymore. Phew!

Posted by: Mgt | September 28, 2007 04:25 AM

I made pretty much *all* the dating mistakes throughout my vast history of dating. Still make a few. But, I do subscribe to the "do not call" rule.

Why? Because I want to know that when I speak to someone, they want to talk to me. Oh some will say, "Call me," but unless I don't really care about the outcome of the relationship; that is, I'm not really "into" him, I don't call in the early stages.

If I don't like him all that much, I might call. Just cuz I'm bored.

I have dated, I dunno, at least 300 guys since I was in high school (ha ha, j/k, maybe 30), but I've been single all but about 5 years of my life.

You'd think with all that experience I'd have nothing new to learn.

Au contraire! I was doing SO MANY things wrong, according to the books.

Mayun, if I knew then what I know now...

Posted by: loretta | September 28, 2007 07:53 AM

That list Monica had of love/toxic love characteistis is a bit long for the comments, but very valid. I posted it at RR.

Its emphasis was on recognizing when we are getting sucked into somebody else's maelstrom.

Posted by: vero | September 28, 2007 09:12 AM

Vero, that was by Robert Burney. I just read his book "The Dance of the Wounded Soul." He has such incredible incite and is an easy read.

This book is excellent for those (like me) who want to heal themselves first and be whole. A necessary requirement if one is to EVER be in a healthy relationship.

I can't BELIEVE how much I have done wrong throughout the years. Inabling, codependent, you name it.

The good news is, as Loretta states, you are never too old to learn. I'm getting better every day and I feel fabulous.

Life is a journey and I'm certainly enjoying Loretta's dating trekk, as I'm an old married woman. Heh

Posted by: Monica | September 28, 2007 09:38 AM

Morning!

My weekend was not one of my favourites. I had to buy my Road Tax certificate, which is something we need each year to drive on the roads. You know, like, permission.

We need proof of insurance, as well as a certificate to prove that the car is roadworthy and a renewal certificate from the DVLA.

Finding the documentation was the problem this year.

At times like this, a man would come in handy. I must admit.

Posted by: Mgt | October 1, 2007 04:05 AM

Good day, everyone.

It is pee-ing down, today. I really must buy an umbrella.

Posted by: Mgt | October 3, 2007 09:13 AM

Yes, we are never too old for much of anything. Shoot, Dr. Oz sez you can increase your male's longevity by doing the nasty 4X a week. Wow. The pressure!

Posted by: moi | October 4, 2007 09:27 PM

Well, I take that back. My dear cat is too old for anything but continuous wailing. I took her to the vet today as it was a 24 hour howl this time. She is not constipated as I first thought as the vet called and said that she had produced 3 large ones. My first thought was, well, you know whe is a redtagged calico who hates going to the vet and perhaps you scared the shiite out of her. They found a little blood in her urine, which she has never had before and finally after cautioning me of the danger of the anesthesia at her 18 years of age was a risk, they consented to test for an infection. I had a call at 7:25 pee em that I could come and pick her up. (They don't want her overnight) I told them that I could not possibly arrive by 7:30 when they close. John will go in the morning and express his concerns about her angst, pain, anger and anxiety. They think she is crying wolf. If that is the case, we will request valium and xanax for her so that Alpha, John et moi can get some sleep. She is a calico's calico and has flashbachs to her own personal vietnam. She has a heated bed. She has 3 different kinds of food each day, on demand, canned and fresh raw libbers or shrimp or chicken (raw). The only canned she will eat is the fish. She would prefer sushi and sashimi. She has 3 new bowls of icewater a day as otherwise she drinks from my icewater. She is sexually deprived as to having been spayed after the birth of her 5 boys. That was the happiest time of her life. She nursed those huge boys for 9 months. I have no idea if they have survived the brave tests of the former husband. Well, this is about relationships and if I had my druthers, I think that the boys and the dad who dammidged her psyche should be responsible for her misery. This also happens to abused people. Some of those don't have a heated bed or conscientious caretakers and caregivers. Call moi crazy. I truly care about this squalling calico and so does John and so does dear Alpha. Ire nerbs are schott.

This is not to minimalize the human experience, this is to magnify the shotgun damage to the animal bystanders of those who have the narcissitic disease. It is hard on all bystanders to live through that, animals included, and lettuce not forget about the foremost children. An 18 year old calico who never hurt anyone (except the vet) does not deserve this misery in her dotage.

Hi, MGT! I heeded your frontpage advice and are you sorry now? Heh, everything is relative and related, people/catz/dogz/karma.

Posted by: moi | October 4, 2007 10:53 PM

There is just too much information incoming in this world... can we take a large brake of information? Phhhtttoey. billthecat

Posted by: bill | October 5, 2007 12:39 AM

Greetings! Morning, Loretta.

Moi, I am not sorry at all, you minx.

I would take both my hats off, if I had two heads, to those of you who take on the responsibility of animals. Eighteen years old? OMG!

A really bright day up here today. Yay! It's going to be a warm and sunny weekend, too. Hip, hip...etc.

Thanks for 'heeding', Moi. You crack me up.

Posted by: Mgt | October 5, 2007 04:26 AM

Ah Moi, poor little ol' lady cat. I think she is spoiled and cat-tankerous and I also think she deserves to be however she wants to be. Get the valium and xanax for you and John, and let the kitty howl. Who knows, maybe she's looking for that special someone.

Loretta, living vicariously through your dating adventures is much fun!

Posted by: Deege | October 5, 2007 02:23 PM

So, Dubya and his cronies cannot be charged with war crimes?! That is a bloody disgrace!

I watched a program on the cruel and inhumane treatment of Iraqis at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo. At times I had to change channels, I was so appalled.

Dubya, Cheyney and Rumsfeld should really face the firing squad, but, I'll settle for imprisonment. They can take Tony Blair with them for all I care.

Posted by: Mgt | October 9, 2007 07:52 AM

Hopefully, there will be more action here, next week.

There must be something going on that you can have a whine about?! Yes? No?

Posted by: Mgt | October 12, 2007 11:01 AM

Nearly 2 weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of Michelle Young's tragic death. Seems like yesterday. Hopefully the Fisher family will see justice soon.

Posted by: RPD | October 13, 2007 12:00 AM

CONRATULAIONS, MR. GORE! You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize!

We were discussing Gore over dinner tonight and my brother proposed this: “He should run without a war chest, just the support of the populace. That way he won’t be beholden to anyone and can get things done after he’s in office.”

Let’s face it, Hillary is fixed, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama isn’t, too, by now. What a triumph it would be if we could sweep all all the 40 (last count) grassroots efforts supporting Gore in the race and win because we all banded together! No matching funds, no lobby money.

I smelled a whiff of Abe Lincoln today and want to compare their charts just for fun.

I like Edwards very much, but to me he appears as just a Gore placeholder.

Posted by: Astrologer | October 13, 2007 05:28 AM

Astrologer, I agree. I'd vote for Gore in a heartbeat.

Posted by: Nadine | October 14, 2007 06:49 PM

I'd like to see Gore run as an independent...and draw votes away from Hitlery, Fred would win easily.

Posted by: Vet4Bush | October 14, 2007 08:05 PM

Fred.

Hahahahahaha!!

You crack me up, Joe.

Posted by: loretta | October 14, 2007 08:14 PM

Ditto.

Posted by: Nadine | October 16, 2007 05:22 PM

Besides his abysmal views, we need some younger blood in there anyway. He's already 65.

Posted by: Nadine | October 16, 2007 05:41 PM

Biggest Hypocrite on the Planet Award Goes To:

Drumroll; President Bush

President Bush presented the Dalai Lama with the Congressional Gold Medal, calling him a "universal symbol of peace and tolerance".

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/17/dalai.lama/index.html

Posted by: Nadine | October 17, 2007 03:31 PM

Ack.

Posted by: vero | October 18, 2007 09:21 AM

Loretta, Dr. N buster has been quoted over and over about Michelle Young.

There appears to be some glitch delaying an arrest. The husband has learned a thing or two from Scotty, and lawyered up right away and not a peep out of him since. The Raleigh media have been uncharacteristically silent, as has everyone concerned with the case.

We need more news, and are hoping for it with the one year anniversary approaching on Nov. 3.

Posted by: vero | October 18, 2007 09:25 AM

I wondered what was going on with that case. Thank you, Vero.

Posted by: Nadine | October 18, 2007 01:15 PM

Testing

Posted by: Mgt | October 22, 2007 10:00 AM

Good morning!

Quite honestly, I would settle for someone sane. Gore would be the icing on the cake.

It's nice to be back.

Posted by: Mgt | October 22, 2007 10:01 AM

It's good to see you back, Mgt.

Posted by: Nadine | October 23, 2007 09:16 AM